Funnyworx

Terminal Ferocity

sparkymac — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:01:21 +0000

What follows is an excerpt from the Journals of airline traveler Peter M. Layton. This eyewitness account was discovered by FAA officials subsequent to the cancellation of over 2000 flights by American Airlines in April of 2008.

DAY 1: As I write this, I sit in the gate 10 lounge of Quad City International Airport waiting for a flight back home to Calgary. With only a well-worn copy of John Grisham’s “The Chamber” to keep me company, I settle in for a three-hour delay.

DAY 2: No sign of our flight as of yet. The airline staff seems nervous, anxious; as if there’s something they are not telling us. The passengers have become restless, many have left to seek solace elsewhere, on another airline. I stay, ever optimistic, in hopes of adding to my frequent-flyer miles.

DAY 3: I am cold, tired and hungry. I pray for a flight that may never come. The remaining passengers have huddled together for warmth. The airline employees have all left for the SkyLounge and we do not believe we will ever see them again.

DAY 4: A brave group of coach passengers have left in search of food, shelter and intelligent life. The rest of us have set the gift shop ablaze to provide a meager heat. Having reread my Grisham for the tenth time, I toss it in the flames, thinking that my token immolation is too good for Chicago lawyer Adam Hall.

DAY 5: The search party has returned with glorious tales of a food preparation center in terminal B. Sadly though, by pooling their resources and maxing out their collective credit cards, they were only able to purchase a medium diet soda and a cone of fries.

DAY 6: Morale has diminished quickly. Someone jokes that we should have booked Skybus. No one laughs.

DAY 7: Out of desperation, we kill and eat a skycap worker.

DAY 8: I have taken to talking back to the CNN Headline News anchors as they update me on the two-faced baby and the Texas polygamist sect. Rioting has broken out near the luggage claim.

DAY 9: Can’t feel my fingers; making entries on my laptop with my nose. My thoughts have become random, my speech slurred.

DAY 10: Last call for flight 1217 to Pittsburgh … the white zone is for loading and unloading only … Bob Dobalina, please pick up the nearest red courtesy phone …

DAY 11: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do …

The journal ends here. FAA authorities fear the worst.

Sparky “White Gold” MacMillan

Happy Feat

sparkymac — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 21:32:11 +0000

Check out THIS AMAZING FOOTAGE of a unique dour of penguins.

You just know their little tubby bodies are working overtime. Why? You can see them puffin!

Sparky “Dude!” MacMillan

Oddball Facts!

sparkymac — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 04:45:58 +0000

Check out these amazing facts. Some are incredible and some are strange but all are true.

Sporks were originally developed as weapons.

Although he wrote of the mighty Mississippi with great affection, Mark Twain never learned to swim.

Baseball was originally played with only three bases, making it a triangle shaped field rather than the modern baseball diamond.

The oldest standing castle in Europe is in Baldernock, Scotland.

In early Disney animated short films, Pluto the dog spoke and wore clothes like Goofy. However he was quickly changed to a nonspeaking character and demoted to Mickey’s pet.

Although he played a country bumpkin on “Hee Haw,” Junior Samples held a Ph.D. in anthropology.

Deer have perfect pitch.

A mockery is a unit of apothecary weight equivalent to a twenty-fourth part of an ounce, 1.3 grams or 20 grains.

Voice actor Mel Blanc hated recording the voice of Porky Pig because Blanc’s son had a slight stuttering problem and he felt the voice was insensitive.

The type of facial hair known as muttonchops got its name from a British pantomime character, Colonel Muttonchops, often portrayed as pompous and foolish.

In Singapore cousins can’t marry but siblings can.

One of the most dangerous of all fish is the Tyrannochromis nigriventer which is found in some African lakes. Its jaws feature a series of serrated teeth capable of

stripping the flesh from a zebu’s bones in less than a minute.

The most popular TV show in Papua New Guinea is the US sitcom “Webster.”

The food additive xanthan gum can be addictive.

Jerry Lee Lewis wrote his hit “Great Balls of Fire” after suffering from jock itch.

The Ouija board is banned in Cuba not because it is an American product but because Castro is severely superstitious.

Will Eisner, creator of the comic strip “The Spirit,” designed the Jolly Green Giant mascot.

Queen Elizabeth II is allergic to onions as is most of the royal family.

Dour is the collective noun for a group of penguins.

Actor Fred Gwynne, who played Herman Munster on TV, won a silver medal in swimming at the 1952 Helsinki Olympics.

Oregano was used in ancient Roman times as the crucial ingredient to a healing salve during childbirth.

The pop song “Rockin’ Robin” contains multiple references to drug abuse and underground drug culture.

The Hochstetter’s frog of New Zealand does not croak but instead makes a quacking sound like a duck due to a hardened nasal protuberance that acts like a bill.

In addition to being a successful singer and songwriter, Bono of U2 is also a chess grand master.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Edgar Rice Burroughs were good friends and often discussed co-authoring a story where Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes met Burrough’s Tarzan. A manuscript was rumored to exist, although it has never been published.

Lobsters have no sense of fear.

A. A. Milne first conceived Winnie the Pooh as a stuffed panda.

Ryan Seacrest was home schooled by Mormon parents and did not listen to pop music until his mid-20s.

Tinkertoys were first made by the Amish.

Liquorice is closely related to the belladonna plant also known as deadly nightshade.

Gary Gygax always claimed he invented Dungeons & Dragons as a game of mental stimulation for his Mensa friends and lamented its appeal to dorky college students.

Mr. Clean’s full name is Will I. Clean.

A camel’s fur is so thick it actually makes it somewhat fireproof.

YOU KNOW, FOR KIDS…

sparkymac — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:32:51 +0000

This is wrong on so many levels. But awesome nonetheless.

HOW MANY FIVE YEAR OLDS COULD YOU TAKE IN A FIGHT?

Dare you discover the truth? YES! Go NOW!

(And, for the record, I could take 25. I’m not proud. I’m just sayin’ is all.)

Sparky “Client #9″ MacMillan

Gettin’ Catty

sparkymac — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 07:52:26 +0000

If I’ve tried to establish one thing in my time here on Earth, I think it’s this: the comic strip Garfield isn’t funny.

Oh sure, when you take it and do funky stuff with it – such as randomly mixing up the panels or acting out entire strips (with bonus music video) – it becomes hilarious, but as is, printed in the daily funnies, it’s just sucky and lame.

Well here’s a new way to get your feline on: GARFIELD WITHOUT GARFIELD! Sound intriguing? It is. A Garfield strip without the lead character becomes less an ode to a lasagna-snarfing kitty and more a bizarre look at a wackjob named Jon.

Click HERE to check out Garfield Without Garfield.

(Still no way to make Beetle Bailey funny though.)

Sparky “Creole Thunder” MacMillan

Heart Snark

sparkymac — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:22:45 +0000

In celebration of the most romantic of holidays (next to Arbor Day), check out these UNFORTUNATE VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS!

It’ll give a warm, fuzzy feeling – not unlike a caterpillar in your soup.

Fake-A-Wish

sparkymac — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 23:05:38 +0000

Some kids will do anything to be the center of attention!

Check out this new report: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrXfdyV98Yw

Feline Groovy

sparkymac — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:39:14 +0000

Do you like Garfield? Do you hate Garfield? Do you live in a world where people who waste any emotion on a comic strip so past its prime are to be shunned?

Then check out LASAGNA CAT!

Essentially, some guy reenacts the lukewarm strip, complete with canned laughter, rim shot and surreal musical number. See Jon’s dream of growing a moustache come to life! Witness Odie’s incredible wagging appendage as never before! You will believe a cat can crave lasagna!

Garfield has never been funnier. Trust me on that.

Secrete Squirrel

sparkymac — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 00:18:23 +0000

Words cannot express … just watch THIS. Not necessarily the oddest commercial ever, but top ten as far as ideas go, right?

I mean, to have been in that pitch meeting…

“Say, fellas, how best do ya think to promote our product?”

“Well … um, how familiar are you folks with rodential flatulence?”

Sparky “Nerd Dog” MacMillan

Bacon Bits

sparkymac — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 07:21:11 +0000

Are ya hungry? Of course you are. You want some bacon! Trust me: you want bacon. Oh, for cryin’ out loud – you want bacon!

Don’t take my word for it. Check out this handy bacon flow chart.

See? You wanted bacon all along!

Sparky “Ole Dirty Neck” MacMillan